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Mark Twain Quotes
American - Writer November 30, 1835 - April 21, 1910
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog. -
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Never pick a fight with people who buy ink by the barrel. -
Never pick a fight with people who buy ink by the barrel.
There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress.
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.
I can live for two months on a good compliment.
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.
Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.
Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts.
Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.
The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
There are lies, damned lies and statistics.
I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don't go out with Halley's Comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: 'Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together.'
There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded.
The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.
It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first.
The secret of getting ahead is getting started.
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself. -
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.
In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards. -
In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.
Buy land, they're not making it anymore.
Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain.
Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.
It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.
My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it. -
My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.
We have the best government that money can buy.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. -
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
Let us endeavor so to live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.
Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
"The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why."
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the things you did."
"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."
"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please."
"The secret of getting ahead is getting started."
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